I’d like to capture some phenomena that seem to have become ubiquitous in human relations and veils -at least to me- as some form of behavioural reinforcement.

This is totally subjective. That is my opinion. Not universal

I see a lot of posts about people celebrating people after they are gone. And quotes like give me flowers when I can smell them. It is all well and true. And indeed I hope I do so much so for the people that I love and I hope I get that reciprocated. Truth?! It is not always how we expect it to be. And how one person is celebrated is dependent on various factors that we may never be able to grasp. I mean never. I’ll start with some ‘dark’ thoughts.

Say you have been friends with someone for so long and then life just happened. Even with all of your efforts to keep this person in your life; you have reached out; you have attended all their invites. Even been there for all their good. And bad news. The connection feels strong from your side. But, it’s not you suppose, being reciprocated. So you get to the point and tell yourself ‘I’ll not stay where I’m not welcomed ‘. No beef; no bad blood, you just got to a realization that this person’s – let’s call it role- in your life is over. Maybe they sensed it before you did. Well, you got there. You still do chit chats, and in these days find yourselves on social media streets and salute each other so warmly and familiarly that you begin to wonder why you can’t keep that energy up IRL (in real life) – see I’m trying to be in trend 😁.

Anyways fast forward to a well-lived life kinda death, or a violent one; or just because kind of transition. Let me ask, will you not ‘mourn’ what has been; what could’ve been and what is? ‘ strange as it might sound. At the scent of news of eternal transition? All emotions good and bad vanishes. And one will want to keep the good memories. It’s just a kind of coping mechanism. Simple. No matter how much you try to fight it. The bad experiences with this /these person(s) will matter very little.

Now move on to people you ‘just ‘ met in life. Not there from your beginning, but very instrumental in this phase that you are. Everything is going fine. You have the same energy! ‘Love’ is flowing effortlessly. Wow, you say to yourself ‘ I’ve finally found my tribe!’ And you are cruising in blissful ignorance not knowing exactly what or having an idea what kind of tribe this new ‘tribe’ member had, is building, or has.

-tribe here doesn’t refer to ethnicity- Then you begin to get deeper into this new tribe member’s life. You have become ‘no see; no sleep’ (that’s a direct transliteration from Yoruba); then you begin to really SEE, and you found there have been masks all along. Your core values don’t really align. This person isn’t a ‘bad person. But for all that they have ‘done and become’ in your life and to you; you find out after such a long emotional investment that you do not align. You move on; not because you hate the person; or they have done you badly; you just want to protect yourself. The sense of self-preservation is indeed a deep and strong one. So after this revelation; this tribe member remains in the tribe but their role in the order of your life is ‘managed’.

Fast forward again to transition to eternity, after the shock, I can almost guarantee that one of the first memories that will come rushing back is that of the beginning of the formation of the tribe and how beautiful it was and enabling and invigorating. The ugly memories will only flash through. And when they do; one might even begin to question oneself maybe if I had?…

This is not a universal thought process. For I have met people either by design or nurture; won’t spare a moment for somber emotions that comes with death. Maybe that also is a coping mechanism or…🤷🏾‍♀️

Now there’s another set of people one will meet in this journey called life. They only pop in when the need arises and vice versa. That’s about it. That’s what the universe meant for the relationship to be like. Pursue anything deeper and you might just truly get hurt. And a person that was supposed to be there for just a moment and several moments in life becomes an ‘enemy’; hater; and all the titular designation we give people we perceive not to align with our perception, for a lifetime.

Then again the news drops and the questions start. I dare say again before the ‘off moments’ of this fleeting relationship are explored. At the ‘scent’ of that news, the most probable memory that will pop? Is the first moment they ‘popped’ into one’s life.

Wondering what I’m trying to get at?

It’s all well and good to expect certain reciprocity in life from people we believe we have invested in emotionally. At the risk of sounding like I am invalidating the hurt and pain that comes from feeling used; if we work ourselves to be aware enough we will know it is not that ‘deep’.

Foster deep relationships! By all means!

That is all I’m about anyway.

I found it very difficult until very recently in the history of my life- to keep ephemeral relationships. It just wasn’t something that came easily to me. I’ve been burnt a thousand times and even recently CHARRED. But I’ll give a recondite relationship a go first.

I however have come to learn. There are different kinds of people that will saunter through one’s life however short or long.

The deal is to be present enough to be able to discern the role of each ‘member’ assigned to your tribe. And deal accordingly.

Before I round this off, best believe that, that flower that we are expected to give each other while living, might only come BECAUSE of a transition. Because at the announcement of a transition is when some people were destined to be known, and WHEN their impact will begin.

Trying to understand the enigma called life is tough work.

My strategy? Work as much as you can to live ‘presently’. It is a very difficult task I tell you; especially in this world that thrives on rat race(s).

For the present? If no one is giving you the flowers. Biko cut some, buy some for yourself and smell it. That person you are expecting that flower from might not even know you want them to give you flowers.

That is the conundrum existing and living is.

Love yourself; love your neighbour; love your country; above all love God; He’s the essence of your being. #TDK